I used to have a LiveJournal account, but I stopped posting there about a year ago. I think it would do me some good to start journaling again though, so here I am. So much has happened since the last time I posted, I'm not even sure where to start at the moment! I'm no longer on medication for depression and anxiety, its not that I don't have these issues anymore, its just that the meds really don't work. I was still depressed and still full of anxiety. Carson says I'm much more rational and more alive without them, he prefers me off them, even though its a real struggle to deal with my issues for both of us. He never gives up though, and truthfully we fight a lot less now. We now have 3 dogs, Dingo, Wilson and Ladybird; 2 cats, Boudin and Mystic. At the end of March we moved to my hometown, Denham Springs, LA. We're living way out in the sticks with one car to work with. Carson's currently working for Domino's Pizza as an assistant manager but we're trying to find him something better, I'm not working at all but looking for a job that we can make work with only having one vehicle.
Lately my depression has been pretty bad, so bad that the thoughts of suicide have been almost as bad as after Brendon died. I won't do it, I couldn't do it, but the thoughts can get very overwhelming. I've become near agoraphobic, scared to leave the house, scared to be around people - especially anyone I don't know. I don't have any friends IRL, not really anyways. Everyone I know from before I left LA has their own life with kids and SO's and jobs, they don't have time for me and my insanities. I'm not exactly an easy person to be around, plus with having nothing going on in my life for the past 3 years other than mourning and being online, I don't have much to talk about with other people. It makes it really hard to maintain a relationship with friends. I don't blame them, I doubt I'd want to be around me either, lol. Having an aura of sadness around me certainly doesn't help either, people don't want to be around someone who's sad most of the time. I try to mask it, I really do, but its not easy. I've had some people tell me to suck it up and get on with my life... gods, if it were that easy I would. I want to be able to move on but how do you move on from the loss of your only child?? How do you move on from chronic severe depression and paralyzing anxiety attacks?? I don't choose to be sad, depressed, stressed, and panicked. Its not some switch I can just flip and suddenly not be all those things. I try to be upbeat and cheerful when I'm around other people, but it takes so much energy, energy I don't usually have. More than an hour or two and I'm usually exhausted and struggle to keep up the facade. My family tries to understand, well, some of them do anyways, but my dad worries so much about me, so does my grandfather - who has enough on his plate without me adding to his stress. I don't like that I make people worry, I don't want people to worry about me so much.
Carson has signed us up for a MeetUp.com group of board game/card players. He's hoping that getting me out of the house for something other than running errands will help me get back into life. I've also signed up for an Asperger's group, I don't know if it will help me or not. Not having an official diagnosis makes it difficult for some people to accept that I have a real problem. Its a start though, right? I'm open to this plan being helpful, I want it to work. I'm absolutely terrified though...
Anyways, I think that's enough for now. I am really going to try to post at least a couple times a week. I think getting some of this out of my head will help.
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