Bad Moon Rising...

As we approach what for most is a season of joy and happiness we also approach what will be a rough three months for me, probably for the rest of my life. It all starts as the date of December 13 draws closer... the day of my son's birth. If the pattern holds true I will spiral into a deep depression and essentially be stuck there until sometime after February 5, the day of his death. Most of you will never know how bad it gets, I hide it well, just as I've hidden most of what I go through from the world. There will be daily thoughts of "why didn't I die during one of my heart surgeries????" and serious thoughts of suicide. I beat the hell out of myself mentally during this time, I'm always harsh on myself,  but this is a whole different level... And there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. The worst part is I'm still going to have to get up every day and put on a mask, go to work, pretend everything's ok, otherwise people tend to want to give me a hug-me jacket and have me go visit a padded room for a while.

A lot of you will try to console me,  please understand that when I react badly its not that I don't appreciate the concern,  there's just really nothing you can say or do to make anything better. Certainly telling me ANYTHING about god and "his plan" will just really, really piss me off. I'm sure those things offer some measure of comfort to those that have faith in a higher power and all that,  but I am not one of those people. The best thing anyone can do is just give me a hug and then act like everything is ok as long as I'm acting like everything is ok.  I don't like breaking down in front of people,  its embarrassing and humiliating for me. Yes,  I know I shouldn't feel that way about it,  but please keep in mind that I am not a neuro-typical person, things just don't work for me the way they work for you or most others. I know its hard to keep in mind,  but I am Autistic, hard as that may be to accept that's really just the way it is. If I ever discover something,  some phrase or action, that comforts me, I'll let you know, I promise.

I know that I'm going to have to pry my father off me with a crowbar during the upcoming months. He worries about me all the time as it is, but this time period is hard on him too and all he wants to do is make it better for me. I wish I could make him understand that he can't make it better. He's as persistent and stubborn as a bulldog though. On top of his own concern will be my grandfather's, he'll ask Daddy every time they speak if I'm ok. I don't want to make either of them worry about me,  but I can't seem to make them stop either.

This will also be the first year that I've had a job during this phase since 2007 when it all happened, Technically I was back at work at Qwest that first year,  but I'd accrued so much vacation/sick time during my medical leave that I was hardly there full time and had most of December off. By the time February rolled around my boss had driven me to a nervous break down and I was on leave again, then long term disability through the disability insurance I'd been paying for. I don't know how well this is going to work out. Odds are pretty high that if I get too stressed out I'll just get up from my desk and walk out the door. As much as I would love to go back to holing up at home with my animals I know I don't get to have that option anymore. Until I get an official diagnoses and can qualify for disability I'm stuck having to try to make it in a world that just isn't hospitable for people like me. Hell, its down right hostile for people like me.

I know this post may confuse some of you since I always profess to love the holidays. The thing is that when I can I do thoroughly enjoy this time of year,  and not every single day will be horrid for me over the next few months. Its just that most days will be bad and those good days will be few and far between. Even on my good days I'll end up crying over one thing or another - a commercial with particularly moving music, a random comment from someone that hits a nerve, shoot, I could sneeze and start crying. Anything can happen with me right now.