Definitions of disheartening on the Web:
demoralizing: destructive of morale and self-reliance wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
Causing to lose heart; making despondent or gloomy; scare; discourage en.wiktionary.org/wiki/disheartening
disheartened - demoralized: made less hopeful or enthusiastic; "desperate demoralized people looking for work"; "felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem"; "the disheartened instructor tried vainly to arouse their interest" wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
disheartened - Discouraged, despairing en.wiktionary.org/wiki/disheartened
disheartened - to shake or destroy the courage or resolution of www.newpaltz.k12.ny.us/1563201114112619817/lib/1563201114112619817/The_Cay_Vocabulary_Guide.doc
It seems like a lot of things lately cause me to become disheartened, or to be more accurate, keep me in that state. I know that its really part of having severe depression and anxiety, that its not a new feeling, just a new way of describing it for me. When even the smallest of things goes wrong these days it feels as if every shred of hope is gone, as if my heart is literally being ripped from my chest. The things I'm talking about are certainly not things that should cause this kind of feeling, a little disappointment, yes, but not anything this severe. For instance last night we made oven fried chicken, the crust didn't crisp up the way it should have, not the end of the world, right? But it made me feel as if it were the end of the world. Its maddening that something so small could cause so much distress!
I'm pretty sure a lot of the intensity of this feeling, lately at least, comes from the stress of trying to find a job. Sifting through all of the "earn $xxxx a week working at home," "expanding company in 'your area' looking for highly motivated people," et al, to find the one or two real job opportunities out there is so disheartening. Even worse is finding something that looks legitimate only to get an email back that you know is too good to be true. Ten times out of ten you can find where it has been reported as a scam, too.
I've thought about applying for disability, but I don't know that I would qualify unless I could get an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. The problem there is it is very hard to find a psychologist that deals with adult Autism. Even then, I'm not 100% sure that would qualify me for disability benefits. If I did qualify I would get, potentially, almost as much as I have been getting from my long term disability insurance. The idea of even applying stresses me out to no end though. I've heard so many horror stories from people about having to fight with the state to get their benefits. Its understandable that its hard to get the benefits, there are a lot of people out there who try to scam the system and they ruin it for all the people that truly need disability. But what about the people who really are disabled? What do you do when you're told that, even though you would be in pain, they think you are still able to work. Its hard enough for someone not disabled to find a job, its even harder when you have physical limitations. Mental limitations are a hundred times harder to prove and that much harder to get accommodation for from an employer.
I really don't want much from life: a place to live, someone to be with (which, thankfully, I have), enough of a stable income so that I know I can pay my bills, buy food and gas, and still have a little left over so that we could do something fun once in a while without worrying that we won't make it to the next paycheck. I don't think that's a lot to ask for. Yeah, I'd love to be able to buy a new car, own my own home, be able to give money to charity, and any number of other luxuries, but those are extras at this point. Right now I'd just like to be able to live comfortably with a lower level of stress and anxiety.
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