Job Hunting

So my disability benefits from my last job will run out next month, I have to find a job! This is a terrifying prospect on so many levels for me. I don't deal with high stress situations well at all anymore and the jobs I'm most qualified for? High stress jobs! I cry at the drop of a hat and that doesn't fly in most work places. I have over 120 credit hours of college (I changed majors something like 6 times, maybe more), no degree. My last job was a position that I created for myself but was utterly unqualified for, not to mention the fact that compared to the same job in other telecoms our department was a ridiculous joke being run and operated by people who had no business in wholesale financial analysis. Anything I think I'd be good at I have no qualifications for or experience in. I have no idea how to find a job that is going to pay enough to equal what I get from my disability insurance but is something I can handle. I look every where I can think of but there's so much out there that I get overwhelmed and panic.

It also doesn't help that we have only one car so I stress out over how we will manage to get me and Carson back and forth to work. I stress out because I have nothing but jeans in my closet anymore and no money to buy clothes to work in. I worry about leaving the dogs outside all day while I'm at work. I worry that if I do get an interview that I'll be a disaster and no one will hire me. Or what if I can't find anything and we can't pay the bills? Will our landlord work with us or just kick us out? I worry that the only kind of job I'll be able to get will be one that will cause me to have another nervous break down. Do I tell an employer that I have severe depression and anxiety disorders? Do I try to explain about Asperger's even though I don't have an official diagnosis? What if no one likes me at the job? What if I don't like anyone at the job? What if... What if... What if...

I know some people would say to just stop worrying about the what if's,  unfortunately it doesn't really work that way for me. I really can't control the anxiety, I've tried every trick out there,  nothing works. The best I can do is try to control the panic attacks. Sometimes I can get it under control with deep, steady breaths. Its still right there beneath the surface though, just waiting for one more thing to pile on before it explodes all over again. It doesn't even take anything big,  it can be something as ridiculous as I drop something or make an easily correctable mistake on something I'm working on.

Sometimes it seems like my life has become nothing but one long panic attack.