Other People's Kids

I was watching the latest episode of Food Network Star tonight and as a surprise for the contestants they brought on special people from their lives to deliver their most hated ingredient which they would then have to incorporate into their dishes. Two of the contestants got to see their children for the first time in weeks. It was very emotional as I'm sure you can imagine. I wanted to be happy for them, really, I did.  I couldn't though, I hated them... HATED them. All I could do was sit there and cry, watching these people run to embrace their children,  my heart was breaking.

I'm always jealous of people who have their children. I can't help it. I would sell my soul to hug my son again. I don't want other people to not have their children,  I just want my child back. Its still hard for me to be around other people's kids. I used to love being around children, not anymore. I can deal with it for an hour, maybe two, but I tend to avoid situations where kids are involved.

I'm even terrified of having more children! Carson wants kids but I go back and forth on the issue. What if I can't love them the way I loved Brendon? What would I tell them about Brendon, the brother they could never know? What if I have the same trouble being around them as I do other kids? What if I turn into one of those smothering, over-protective parents that does more harm than good to their kids? What if Brendon's death really was because I was negligent and I am a bad mother? What if I lost another child????

I know there are no answers to my questions, that I'll never know until I have another child. I just don't know if my psyche can handle the risk...